Judgement says more about the judg-er than the judg-ee. It’s not Judgement – Bad. It’s Judgement-Interesting.
Everybody judges and in truth, we unconsciously evaluate good/bad all the time – both positively and negatively. It’s our brains appraisal system. However unchecked it’s also a very handy interpersonal defense. Today we explore one aspect of insecure functioning, unchecked judgement and harsh self-criticism.
It is just one common insecure pattern to think in absolutes and moral righteousness, and before you judge judgers, those of us who’s favorite flavor is self-criticism and self-judgement please be warned that harsh scale extends quickly to those close to us. Fun times to grow and learn we tell ya!!
In This Episode of Therapist Uncensored,
Co-hosts Ann Kelley and Sue Marriott break down the big picture of attachment and take a deep dive into just one of the habits of insecure attachment – how we use judgment! Turn on your curiosity and notice your judgments as we go – it’s kinda fun, actually.
The Pleasure of Judgement
- Description of what self-righteous judgment looks like presented in an anecdotal but accurate way.
- Every human being has a system to manage threat.
- Blue – you down-regulate
- Red – you up-regulate
The Role of Judgment
- Method of self-protection
- Response to a feeling of threat
- 2 types: self-righteous or self-critical
- It’s a great feeling.
- What’s really going on underneath?
- Disconnection from threat in our own body
- Slowing down to experience what we are judging
- Fortified defense
- Not pathological, it’s protective
- Example of Blue Judgment
- Fear of Vulnerability
- Judging to keep at a distance
- Example of Red Judgment
- Telling others what they are doing wrong
- Judging to prevent expressing fear of abandonment underneath
- Inability to create a judgment can be an indication that we can’t have a sense of self and an essence of threat, and that clearly defining ourselves is too vulnerable. (red-side of insecure spectrum, usually)
Judgment Can Be A Healthy Protection
- Not all judgment is bad
- Explore it.
Righteousness to Relationality
- Exploring the movie about Harriet Tubman
- The moral high road
- Righteousness as the lazy man’s way
- Making the move
- Effecting change while staying in the relationship
- Also the lazy man’s road
- Same old negative thoughts
- No movement and no new neural pathways being built
- Keeps us stuck
- Moving from self-loathing to connection
- Putting our feet to the fire
It’s not that it’s pathological – it’s information. We think it’s information about the other person, but really it can be a window into something more interesting if we open up to exploring it. Why do you judge THAT in particular? What parts of others make your skin crawl? Check if it’s disowned parts of yourself that you are attempting to distance from or stamp out in others. You see…. now it gets interesting and the door opens rather than slams close on the object of our scrutiny.
Practice Noticing With Compassion
- Find your version of what it is that you’re judging.
- Have a little smile of humor when you catch yourself being judgmental
- Explore what’s underneath
Healing Your Attachment Wounds by Diane Pool Heller
Healing Developmental Trauma Lawrence Heller
Self-Compassion, the Hidden Power of Being Kind to Yourself by Kristin Neff
Also check out TU73: Building Grit Through Self-Compassion with Kristin Neff
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Last thing, we talk about a lot of deep stuff and people can begin to come alive and feel things. We can’t take you on as a client but we DO encourage you to get help if you are interested in examining your life or exploring pain in your past. Face to face local therapy recommended where you can, however many people cannot access private individual therapy for any number of reasons, so we found a service that offers online therapy in many countries and many languages that is affordable. Please use our link and you’ll get to try it for free. Let us know your experience of it no matter what but so far we’ve heard only good things – try it out!!!