TU81: How Good Boundaries Actually Bring Us Closer, with Guest Juliane Taylor Shore

by | Oct 17, 2018 | Emotional Intelligence, Episodes, Guest Interviews, Parenting, Personal Growth, Relationships

Show Notes

How Good Boundaries Actually Bring Us Closer

Interpersonal co-regulation requires boundary setting. Most of us haven’t been lucky enough to learn to be good at boundary setting naturally, by good examples, so we have to literally be taught how to do this important skill. Well today we are in luck! Jello will be your friend. 🙂

Therapist Uncensored co-hosts Ann Kelley and Sue Marriott join the founder of IPNB Psychotherapy of Austin, Dr. Juliane Taylor Shore, in a discussion on interpersonal neurobiology and how it relates to boundaries. We’ll explore the three types of boundaries, how to co-create boundaries and how to stay regulated using internal mechanisms. After this podcast, you may very well be on your way towards building your own “Jello wall” and better co-regulating yourself when you’re overwhelmed!

0:00-25:00

Some background on Juliane Taylor Shore: Founder of IPNB Psychotherapy of Austin with interests in interpersonal neurobiology, neuroscience, philosophy, biology and physics.

How are boundaries defined and what sort of connotations come with boundaries? How can the connection between boundaries and interpersonal neurobiology actually bring people closer?

The Three Types of Boundaries

External, Behavioral Boundary: “I don’t want to talk to you when you raise your voice at me.” Or “I’d love to see you but I can’t right now.” The concept of having to say “no”.

Psychological Boundary: separation between people, difference between true self and parts of self (“air” between people, your truth and my truth are allowed to be different) “Jello Wall”

Containing Boundary: (individually deeming what’s okay leading up to healthy shame) Boundary that stops you from acting out.

Co-creating boundaries between two people is a great way to negotiate disagreements and find a middle ground.

“Fucked up people will try to tell you otherwise, but boundaries have nothing to do with whether you love someone or not. They are not punishments, judgments or betrayals. They’re a purely peaceable thing. The basic principles you identify for yourself that define the behaviors you will tolerate from others, as well as the responses you will have to those behaviors. Boundaries teach people how to treat you and they teach you how to respect yourself.” – Cheryl Strayed (Author of Wild: From Lost to Found on the Pacific Crest Trail)

“Jello wall”: Stop and slow down all the input coming towards you so you can ask, “Is this true or not true?” and “If it is, is this about me or not about me?” This allows you to view the world around you without getting hurt. Allows you space to reflect and be in your own system.

The differences between the logical left brain and abstract right brain influence how they connect neural networks. Healthy shame is important to not beat one’s self up over establishing boundaries.

Using young ones and animals to teach your inner protector parts to have a better containing boundary, relieving trauma by talking to your young self (you at four, sixteen, etc.) rather than beating your present self up.

25:00-50:00

Exploring the connection between attachment and interpersonal neurobiology.

The anticipation of threat before setting a boundary and connecting to something after getting overwhelmed so that it’s part of your life narrative and not something that keeps popping up.

The individual nervous system isn’t meant to survive being alone after trauma but we need co-regulatory nervous systems AND you can be your own co-regulatory system.

You can start by building up your relationship with yourself and learning to trust your internal voices, neural networks or other people.

Examples working through the three types of boundaries; Co-creating a boundary with a spouse over lack of communication. Turning down a panicked client when you’re totally booked. Having uncomfortable physical contact with an older family member when saying goodbye.

Assuring your younger self that doing something bad or hurting someone doesn’t make you a bad person.

Treating each relationship like a tennis match; you can only control what’s happening on your side of the net.

Recap on the three types of boundaries.

 

Resources:

IPNB of Austin  

The Pocket Guide to Polyvagal Theory the Transformative Power of Feeling Safe by Stephen Porges

Wild: From Lost to Found on the Pacific Crest Trail by Cheryl Strayed

Recent Episodes

Episode Swap: Secure Relating with Ann & Sue on The Baffling Behavior Show (239)

Episode Swap: Secure Relating with Ann & Sue on The Baffling Behavior Show (239)

One of the many incredible aspects of this community are the people we are able to connect and learn with, like Robyn Gobbel.
She is a licensed social worker, podcast host, keynote speaker, writer, trainer & consultant – and even host launch this spring. This episode, Ann and Sue joined her on her podcast, “The Baffling Behavior Show”, to talk about secure relating.

read more
Managing Intense Feelings for Kids and Grownups with Lindsey Kealey (Replay) – (238)

Managing Intense Feelings for Kids and Grownups with Lindsey Kealey (Replay) – (238)

As our schedules shift for summer, we think revisiting this episode with expert Lindsey Kealey is the perfect reminder. The warmer weather is great for vacations or some weekend fun in the sun, but we also know that the shift in schedule can be tough for parents and children. Little minds can have big feelings and in the spirit of secure relating, we are taking the opportunity to revisit strategies for teaching kids how to regulate their emotions and promote positive connection with others. Lindsey Kealey introduces a trauma-informed program grounded in neuroscience, employing social-emotional learning and problem-solving techniques to enhance decision-making and relational well-being. Through her Three C’s approach – connect, calm, and collaborate – she aims to revolutionize interpersonal dynamics, empowering individuals to interact more positively with themselves and others.

read more
Security Individually, Relationally, and in Community with Ann & Sue 3 of 3 (237)

Security Individually, Relationally, and in Community with Ann & Sue 3 of 3 (237)

This is our final part where we lean into the last section of the book to help us all build a deeper connection, Moving from individual to interpersonal and then societal levels, we discuss the complexities of human connection. Ann and Sue touch on leadership and the need for nuance in navigating today’s challenges while aiming to expand beyond just the Western lens. Whether it be with your partner or even how you navigate your community – building security helps us find a state of curiosity, openness, and wonder.

read more
Shifting Activation Levels: Part II of Secure Relating with Ann & Sue (236)

Shifting Activation Levels: Part II of Secure Relating with Ann & Sue (236)

Following the launch of the book, our virtual party, and our Modern Attachment conference in Austin, TX, Ann and Sue open with gratitude from the event, and for the overwhelming outpour of love and support from our community and those who help inspire this content. As we dive into more chapters of the book, we lean into understanding the attachment spectrum colors, recognizing what is happening internally when we feel activated, and shifting activation levels.

read more
Holding Your Own – Behind the Scenes and Part I of Secure Relating with Ann & Sue (235)

Holding Your Own – Behind the Scenes and Part I of Secure Relating with Ann & Sue (235)

After years of hard work, Sue and Ann could not be more excited to celebrate the release of their book. Today’s episode offers behind the scene’s conversation and a deeper dive into Part 1 of the book, Secure Relating Holding Your Own in an Insecure World. You can purchase it now directly at www.securerelatingbook.com and get an ad-free podcast feed at www.therapistuncensored.com/join.

read more
Integrative Attachment Therapy with Dr. David Elliott (234)

Integrative Attachment Therapy with Dr. David Elliott (234)

Exactly 100 episodes later, Ann and Sue are thrilled to be back discussing Integrative Attachment theory with Dr. David Elliott. Together they delve into the therapy model’s development, centered around three key elements: enhancing collaboration, fostering metacognition, and constructing new internal working models through imagery. Dr. Elliott elaborates on how the therapeutic journey prioritizes the therapeutic alliance, perspective-taking, and employing mental imagery to cultivate fresh attachment dynamics. Despite limited empirical validation, anecdotal evidence suggests its efficacy in symptom reduction and enhancing overall well-being. Ann and Sue share insights into crafting their book and course on attachment insecurity, emphasizing the significance of mental imagery and collaborative engagement in therapy, while underscoring the necessity for more therapists skilled in attachment therapy.

read more
Information Processing: Sunglasses, Early Attachment & More with Ann & Sue (233)

Information Processing: Sunglasses, Early Attachment & More with Ann & Sue (233)

Ann and Sue are back for another deep dive, this time on all things information processing. Using the concept of sunglasses as a metaphor for information distortion, they explain how our internal working models and attachment experiences shape the way we perceive and interpret information. The sunglasses represent different states of activation, with clear glasses indicating a secure state and aviator sunglasses representing a defensive, self-protective state. Sunglasses can affect our relationships – but they don’t have to stop us from building healthy connections. Follow along as we explore the importance of curiosity, self-reflection, and open-mindedness in navigating relationships.

read more
The Neuroscience Behind Our Collective Dysregulation: Navigating Today’s Social Crisis (232)

The Neuroscience Behind Our Collective Dysregulation: Navigating Today’s Social Crisis (232)

We can understand our social pain by considering the nervous system, just think of it as a collective amygdala hijack!  Threat is pressing us to live in an alarm state and then we get used to it, as if it’s normal to be so divided, hopeless and disdainful to those who are holding different positions in the world. We need to cultivate secure (mature) relating to move ourselves back into a social, relational place that makes us more generous, compassionate and able to work with complexity to stay engaged to solve some of these pressing world and community issues. Keep hope alive! Iwww.therapistuncensored.com/join

read more
Hypnosis for Healing: Understanding the Powerful Science with Dr. David Spiegel (231)

Hypnosis for Healing: Understanding the Powerful Science with Dr. David Spiegel (231)

Join Dr. Ann Kelley and Dr. David Spiegel as they dive into the benefits and misconceptions of hypnosis. Hypnosis is a state of highly focused attention and cognitive flexibility, allowing individuals to explore new possibilities. Whether it’s trouble with sleep, intense anxiety, or a need to break bad habits, hypnosis has proven to be an effective tool for many. Dr. Spiegel has dedicated years of research and emphasizes the importance of accessibility to hypnosis in our healthcare systems. His app R E V E R I has over 1 million downloads and allows you to rewire your brain, conquer negative habits, and achieve personal growth from home.

read more
Mind, Body, Heart, Spirit: Embodying Liberation Psychology with Dr. Shena Young (230)

Mind, Body, Heart, Spirit: Embodying Liberation Psychology with Dr. Shena Young (230)

Join co-host Sue Marriott and Dr. Shena Young as they dive into liberation psychology and the conflict between intuition and the traditional European model of psychology. Dr. Shena highlights embodying a holistic approach to help heal traumas and deeply root us in our most authentic selves. Whether through connections with nature and/or the exploration of ancestral traditions, this discussion is enriched with various opportunities to reconnect and liberate our mind, body, heart, and spirit.

read more
Setting Boundaries that Stick with Juliane Taylor Shore (229)

Setting Boundaries that Stick with Juliane Taylor Shore (229)

We’re back with long-time friend of the podcast and expert, Juliane Taylor Shore LMFT, LPC, SEP. As we reflect on our episode from six years ago on boundaries, we dive into new knowledge and how we can create boundaries that stick. Juliane Taylor Shore blends
her original methods like “the jello wall” with new research to share exciting and thoughtful insight on how through boundaries we can harness compassion in our relationships with others and ourselves.

read more
Decolonizing Mental Health Delivery with Melody Li (Part 2, Episode 228)

Decolonizing Mental Health Delivery with Melody Li (Part 2, Episode 228)

This is part two of a two-part series with the founder of Inclusive Therapists, Melody and TU Co-host, Sue Marriott. This episode features challenging yet important conversations on active anti-racist practices, exploration of oppression, and dismantling whiteness in mental health structures. Melody emphasizes the need for white clinicians to examine their own complicity in upholding oppressive systems and to listen to and center the experiences of marginalized communities. They also highlight the interconnectedness of healing and the power of collective liberation through rehumanizing.

read more

What else do you want to learn today?

Get Your Modern Attachment-Regulation Spectrum (MARS)Bundle

3 videos, 3 handouts, and 7 podcast episodes to get you started on your path toward secure relating.

Success! Please check your inbox to confirm your subscription and access your starter pack.

Pin It on Pinterest

Share This