TU133: Holding Your Own 1: Messy but Secure Relating

by | Oct 26, 2020 | Attachment, Emotional Intelligence, Episodes, Mindfulness, Narcissism, Personal Growth, Relationships, Therapy | 0 comments

Show Notes

Holding Your Own with Challenging Personalities – staying secure in relationship with those high in narcissistic, borderline or anti-social traits.

Session 1

Can my messy and loud relationship qualify as secure functioning?  It's not that easy to tell.

Most of us have never felt as uneasy as we all do right now. Maybe it’s your job or lack thereof, or your kids melting down trying to figure out school chaos with COVID, your significant other's depression or anxiety, or trying to take care of your parents.  But the stakes double-down if you are close to someone with a challenging personality.  Don't cringe, we aren't going to over-simplify, pathologe or blame the other person.  That's the normal pop-psychology fare and it doesn't help either party – the person googling to get help with strained and challenging people, or the person who mostly inadvertently makes it hard to be close.  We use system thinking to look at everybody's part, empowering you to consider and take the necessary actions to improve your circumstance.

If we do this correctly, in the end you will understand yourself better, have a sense of how you got here, understand the other with clarity and compassion, and be ready to improve things.  That may be a new energized focus on yourself, a safety plan, couples work or the courage to leave and stay gone.

Co-hosts Ann Kelley and Sue Marriott have launched a new series titled “Holding Your Own.” Together, they’ll unpack how to navigate strained relationships both during and after this pandemic. The goal of this series is to bring you the skills and practices that you can use right now to make sense of yourself, and the people around you. In this way, we can build and maintain secure and healthy relationships and improve every aspect of our lives.

Why a podcast series?

Our normal episodes serve as great snack packs of information about a wide range of topics, but don’t often let us go into as much depth as maybe we could. We had originally planned to create a course on narcissism and healthy relationships that would really allow us to dig deep and unpack this all at a level that a regular podcast just wasn’t able to do. But given the nature of the content and the times we’re living in we decided to bring you all that course FOR FREE in the form of this new mini-series that we’re doing here at Therapist Uncensored! We’re still working out all the kinks on this new format for all of you so feel free as always to hit us up with any feedback on how this new format is working!

Our plan is to release episodes much more frequently through the series and then go back to our every other week format.

Nobody fits in a box!

In this session 1 of the series we set the stage and call out pathological use of labels and diagnosis.  We begin with secure but messy relating.

 What is secure relating?

Secure functioning couples can look quite volatile or pretty chilly, so how do you know what is healthy working things out and when things turn more destructive?

David Elliott and Dan Brown's 5 conditions which build secure attachment.

of a secure relationship, we’ll use the anagram PASSED.

  • Protection: Does your partner, or whoever you’re in a relationship with, have your back? Not all the time or during every fight, but just in general.
  • Attunement: Is your partner paying attention to you? Do you know their inner life and vice-versa? Are you aware of each-others mood states?
  • Soothed: If you’re upset, can your partner comfort you? Are we calmed by the presence of our partners, or again whichever relationship we’re looking at?
  • Support: Do each of you support each other in being your best selves? Can the relationship stand some differentiation? Does your partner help you grow in and of yourself?
  • Expressed Delight: Do y’all like each other? Are you happy to see their car in the driveway when you get home?

Dan Siegles 4 s's reinforce this point

Safe Seen Secure Soothed

Discussed the 4 types of couple conflict validating volatile conflict-avoidant and hostile.

Your relationship with any one person won’t stay in the healthy or unhealthy zone all the time. Instead it’s about finding and naming patterns of behavior, and trying to actively shift those patterns towards things thaSat we want.

This episode is really about laying the groundwork for future episodes in this series, and introducing y'all to our new format. Stay tuned for more ASAP!

Resources

5 Conditions that Promote Secure Attachment handout by David Elliott provided to Therapist Uncensored.

Attachment Disturbances in Adults Comprehensive Treatment & Repair (2016) Dan Brown and David Elliott

(This is Sue's favorite textbook on attachment currently)

Five conflict resolution styles in couples   by John Gottman

 

 

TU59: Are You Cool, or Just Cut Off? Dismissing/Avoidant Styles of Relating in Adulthood

TU60: Preoccupation in Relationships – Signs and Solutions to Anxious Attachment

TU61: It’s Not Crazy; It’s a Solution to an Unsolvable Problem – Disorganized Attachment

TU111: Navigating Narcissistic Relationships – Gaslighting Manipulation and Grandiosity Called Out

Need CEU's??  We've got you covered, use OURCLAN for 10% off –

brain neuroscience, amygdala, course

It's Not Me It's My Amygdala – Advanced Course Connecting the Sciences of the Mind to Everyday Relationships

FOUR hours of quality content and 3 CE's available to professionals. Since you are this deep into our show notes, then you are indeed one of our peeps and thus invited to be part of our clan 🙂 GET 10% off this signature course by using code OURCLAN!  –

To get more of this kind of in-depth discussion with quality content and real-world healing – join us on FB where you can find more of your peeps.  Want even more than that?  Join our Neuronerd Patreon community at patreon.com/therapistuncensored for as little as $5 per month.   Join us now.

Recent Episodes

The Neuroscience Behind Our Collective Dysregulation: Navigating Today’s Social Crisis (232)

The Neuroscience Behind Our Collective Dysregulation: Navigating Today’s Social Crisis (232)

We can understand our social pain by considering the nervous system, just think of it as a collective amygdala hijack!  Threat is pressing us to live in an alarm state and then we get used to it, as if it’s normal to be so divided, hopeless and disdainful to those who are holding different positions in the world. We need to cultivate secure (mature) relating to move ourselves back into a social, relational place that makes us more generous, compassionate and able to work with complexity to stay engaged to solve some of these pressing world and community issues. Keep hope alive! Iwww.therapistuncensored.com/join

read more
Hypnosis for Healing: Understanding the Powerful Science with Dr. David Spiegel (231)

Hypnosis for Healing: Understanding the Powerful Science with Dr. David Spiegel (231)

Join Dr. Ann Kelley and Dr. David Spiegel as they dive into the benefits and misconceptions of hypnosis. Hypnosis is a state of highly focused attention and cognitive flexibility, allowing individuals to explore new possibilities. Whether it’s trouble with sleep, intense anxiety, or a need to break bad habits, hypnosis has proven to be an effective tool for many. Dr. Spiegel has dedicated years of research and emphasizes the importance of accessibility to hypnosis in our healthcare systems. His app R E V E R I has over 1 million downloads and allows you to rewire your brain, conquer negative habits, and achieve personal growth from home.

read more
Mind, Body, Heart, Spirit: Embodying Liberation Psychology with Dr. Shena Young (230)

Mind, Body, Heart, Spirit: Embodying Liberation Psychology with Dr. Shena Young (230)

Join co-host Sue Marriott and Dr. Shena Young as they dive into liberation psychology and the conflict between intuition and the traditional European model of psychology. Dr. Shena highlights embodying a holistic approach to help heal traumas and deeply root us in our most authentic selves. Whether through connections with nature and/or the exploration of ancestral traditions, this discussion is enriched with various opportunities to reconnect and liberate our mind, body, heart, and spirit.

read more
Setting Boundaries that Stick with Juliane Taylor Shore (229)

Setting Boundaries that Stick with Juliane Taylor Shore (229)

We’re back with long-time friend of the podcast and expert, Juliane Taylor Shore LMFT, LPC, SEP. As we reflect on our episode from six years ago on boundaries, we dive into new knowledge and how we can create boundaries that stick. Juliane Taylor Shore blends
her original methods like “the jello wall” with new research to share exciting and thoughtful insight on how through boundaries we can harness compassion in our relationships with others and ourselves.

read more
Decolonizing Mental Health Delivery with Melody Li (Part 2, Episode 228)

Decolonizing Mental Health Delivery with Melody Li (Part 2, Episode 228)

This is part two of a two-part series with the founder of Inclusive Therapists, Melody and TU Co-host, Sue Marriott. This episode features challenging yet important conversations on active anti-racist practices, exploration of oppression, and dismantling whiteness in mental health structures. Melody emphasizes the need for white clinicians to examine their own complicity in upholding oppressive systems and to listen to and center the experiences of marginalized communities. They also highlight the interconnectedness of healing and the power of collective liberation through rehumanizing.

read more
Decolonizing Mental Health Delivery with Melody Li (Part 1, Episode 227)

Decolonizing Mental Health Delivery with Melody Li (Part 1, Episode 227)

series with the founder of Inclusive Therapists, Melody and TU Co-host, Sue Marriott. We are pushing for more inclusive, anti-racist, and decolonialized practices.The conversation is  challenging but important as we explore liberation psychology that helps us recognize and unlearn patterns of thinking that are rooted in colonization and European Western education. You may not agree with everything this guest says but you will learn something and likely feel quite a lot. Discomfort is a necessary part of liberating ourselves from engrained traditional patriarchal and white supremist thinking that continues to harm so many. Don’t forget to help us reach our goal – if you appreciate TU, then please pre-order your copy of Secure Relating today & help raise the bar of secure relating in the world. www.SecureRelatingBook.com

read more
A Neuroscience-Proven Expressive Writing Protocol with Dr. James Pennebaker (225)

A Neuroscience-Proven Expressive Writing Protocol with Dr. James Pennebaker (225)

Co-hosts Ann and Sue discuss this powerful tool directly with the original researcher, Dr. James Pennebaker. While expressive writing is not a simple “elixir” to cure mental or physical illness, Dr. Pennebaker has dedicated years of research and found it to be an effective method of healing for many people. Going straight for the hardest memory is hard, but replicates many techniques used by therapists yet without the cost and accessibility barriers. www.therapistuncensored.com/tu225. www.securerelatingbook.com

read more
How Good Boundaries Actually Bring Us Closer, with Juliane Taylor Shore – REPLAY (224)

How Good Boundaries Actually Bring Us Closer, with Juliane Taylor Shore – REPLAY (224)

Interpersonal co-regulation requires boundary-setting. Therapist Uncensored co-hosts Ann Kelley and Sue Marriott join the founder of IPNB Psychotherapy of Austin, Dr. Juliane Taylor Shore, in a discussion on interpersonal neurobiology and regulation. We’ll explore the three types of boundaries, how to co-create them plus how to stay regulated using internalized relationships with the self.

read more
Believing Chronic Fatigue – Living with Long Covid, ME/CFS (Myalgic Encepholomyelitis) and Hard to Diagnose Chronic Illnesses (223)

Believing Chronic Fatigue – Living with Long Covid, ME/CFS (Myalgic Encepholomyelitis) and Hard to Diagnose Chronic Illnesses (223)

25.6% of adults who have had COVID-19 report having experienced long Covid (source). While there are a variety of symptoms and severities that come with the illness, it doesn’t
erase the physical and mental toll it can take on one’s life. In this episode, Ann and Sue take their research as well as personal experience with the illness and discuss the stigmas, advocating for your health, being a supportive caregiver, and secure relating in regards to chronic disease.

read more
Trailblazers in Love: Understanding & Advocating for the LGBTQ+ Community with Jeff Lutes (222)

Trailblazers in Love: Understanding & Advocating for the LGBTQ+ Community with Jeff Lutes (222)

We are kicking off the new year with a special conversation between co-host Sue Marriott and special guest Jeff Lutes. Both members of the LGBTQ+ community, this discussion dives into raising families, the evolution of the community, allyship, gender, and the importance of advocacy. While there has been some progress, the LGBTQ+ community still actively faces discrimination. Whether you’re a practicing therapist with clients in the community or have LGBTQ-identifying loved ones, this episode is for you. Through a personal and professional lens, this conversation offers new perspectives and shines a light on the significance of staying educated and being an active voice.

read more
TU 2023 Year in Review: Building Internalized Secure Voices (221)

TU 2023 Year in Review: Building Internalized Secure Voices (221)

We explored many ideas this year and despite the variety of topics we found a consistent theme – nurturing secure relating in an insecure world. From interviews with our oldest son on the climate crisis to the power of awe in everyday life, we were met with rich conversations and endless opportunities to grow. As we close out 2023 with gratitude, Ann and Sue look back at important episodes from this year, review lessons learned, and exciting announcements to come in 2024.

read more

What else do you want to learn today?

Get Your Modern Attachment-Regulation Spectrum (MARS)Bundle

3 videos, 3 handouts, and 7 podcast episodes to get you started on your path toward secure relating.

Success! Please check your inbox to confirm your subscription and access your starter pack.

Pin It on Pinterest

Share This