Secure Relating, Not the Same as Secure Attachment with Ann & Sue (190)

by | Nov 2, 2022 | Attachment, Brain Science, Episodes, Mindfulness, modern attachment regulation spectrum, Personal Growth, Polyvagal Theory, Relationships, Therapy | 0 comments

Show Notes

Navigate more securely no matter where you start. Learn to deepen interpersonal connections, heal trauma and even add enjoyment through secure relating!

This podcast gives you truly deep dives into attachment and helpful tools to build comfort with intimacy.  Is it possible to have unresolved trauma and still be operating securely in various relationships? Absolutely!!

You don't have to be totally healed from years of therapy under your belt or a history of secure attachment to develop skills for increased intimacy and secure relating. This is something that anybody, no matter their history, can begin to learn. Channeling your inner awareness to recognize a heightened state of arousal or using visualizations to help stay in a regulated place helps tap into your right brain to connect with yourself and your humanity. Ann and Sue navigate their personal examples, self-regulating tips, breaking out of their defensive “competitive head”, and many more useful strategies to explore the ways we can move in the direction of secure connections.

“Even if you have a history that leads you to trend toward preoccupied, dismissive or avoidant relating, with effort and practice opening up you can learn to relate from a secure base.” – Dr. Ann Kelley

Time Stamps for Secure Relating vs Secure Attachment 

3:06 – Introduction to attachment patterns

8:53 – Acknowledging the fluctuation of the attachment spectrum

11:56 – The definition of secure relating

27:09 – Using visualizations as a regulation tactic

29:01 – Abandoning your “competitive head”

34:13 – Utilizing the word “bookmark”

37:36 – The importance of preparing yourself for tough conversations

40:45 –  Implementing Gottman's “soft starts”

42:45 – Navigating the coexistence of complex feelings

Episode Resources for Secure Relating vs Secure Attachment

“How to Fight Smarter: Soften Your Starts” – Gottman Institute Article

Other Relevant Therapist Uncensored Episodes

Whole Brain Living, Psychology + Neuroanatomy + Spirit with Dr. Jill Bolte-Taylor (164)

Training Your Brain & Body to Thrive During Stress with Dr. Elizabeth A Stanley (172)

Secure Relating vs Secure Attachment Transcripts  Lightly edited for readability

We have pledged 50% of all corporate profits & merch sales to organizations that support mental health access to those traditionally left out of mainstream healthcare.  We can only do that with the help of our Patrons. Please join us today!

By joining as a Patron premium subscriber, you get a dedicated ad-free feed, deeper dives into select content, extra episodes, and very unique study opportunities

Sponsors who help make these episodes free and available to all – support them to support us!

$75 credit alert for our listeners!  Ann and Sue aren't tech-savvy so they appreciate how easy it is to use and navigate Indeed.  It is the hiring platform where you can attract, interview, and hire all in one place. Find top talent fast with Indeed’s suite of powerful hiring tools like Instant Match, Assessments, and Virtual Interviews. Hate waiting? Indeed’s US data shows over 80% of Indeed employers find quality candidates, whose resume on Indeed matches their job description, the MOMENT they sponsor a job. Start hiring now with a seventy-five dollar sponsorship credit to post your job post at

With MasterClass, you can learn from the world’s best minds – anytime, anywhere, and at your own pace. With over 150 classes from a range of world-class instructors, that thing you’ve always wanted to do is closer than you think. Get unlimited access to EVERY class, and as a Therapist Uncensored listener, you get 15% off an annual membership! Go to now. 

Interested in even more content? Check out our full episodes and other bonus clips from the show on our Youtube Channel. Please like, comment & subscribe!

Thanks for stopping by, we hope the podcast (and these show notes) offer quality education and insight into interpersonal relationships.  

Recent Episodes

Attachment, Stress & Bootstraps – The Intersection of Poverty & Mental Health with Dr. Sharon Lambert (191)

Attachment, Stress & Bootstraps – The Intersection of Poverty & Mental Health with Dr. Sharon Lambert (191)

Attachment ‘insecurity” is partly a manifestation of unresolved stress patterns in the child and, by extension, the family. Therapists usually think of stress as interpersonal and dyadic, but you can’t isolate individuals from context. We talk about context a lot when it comes to attachment – the circumstances or setting which helps to understand a process more deeply. As Sharon Lambert says in today’s episode, you can’t “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” if you have no boots. Sue Marriott and Sharon Lambert discuss the unconscious bootstraps communities have that cause blame towards those who are struggling.
There is no doubt that poverty impacts physical and emotional health, and thus lifting children out of poverty is a direct intervention in their well-being. Today’s session also explores fascinating research on how people use mental health podcasts – join us! Shownotes here:

read more
Healing Body-Focused Repetitive Behavioral Disorders with Stacy Nakell (189)

Healing Body-Focused Repetitive Behavioral Disorders with Stacy Nakell (189)

Hair-pulling, skin picking, and cheek, lip, & cuticle biting are self-soothing strategies that depending on the degree can become body-focused repetitive behavioral disorders. Learn about a new attachment-informed psychodynamic model for treating these painful, shame-associated behaviors in our conversation today with Sue Marriott and Stacy Nakell.

read more
Special Excerpt – The Science of Regret: Daniel Pink on a Slight Change of Plans

Special Excerpt – The Science of Regret: Daniel Pink on a Slight Change of Plans

Many of you probably love podcasts, and not just Therapist Uncensored. Ann and I have our favorites as well, so we wanted to share a short special episode today to expand your world of podcast listening. Today we are directly sharing an excerpt from one of our podcast friends, A Slight Change of Plans, from Pushkin Industries. In this preview, bestselling author Daniel Pink talks about using a typically negative emotion – regret – as a force for good in our lives. Hear the full episode, and find much more from A Slight Change of Plans, at

Find more from Therapist Uncensored at

read more

What else do you want to learn today?

Get Your Modern Attachment-Regulation Spectrum (MARS)Bundle

3 videos, 3 handouts, and 7 podcast episodes to get you started on your path toward secure relating.

Success! Please check your inbox to confirm your subscription and access your starter pack.

Pin It on Pinterest

Share This