TU138: What if it’s You that’s the Difficult One? Holding Your Own Challenging Personality Traits (6 of 6)

by | Dec 10, 2020 | Emotional Intelligence, Episodes, modern attachment regulation spectrum, Narcissism, Relationships, Therapy | 0 comments

Show Notes

Holding Your Own with Challenging Personalities – take away's from our series on staying (or becoming) secure in relationship with those with challenging personalities – DEDICATED TO OUR PATRONS!!

Session 6 of 6 – What if it's you that is the challenging one… and other take away's on challenging personalities.  Let us help you change your internal security and grow secure functioning relationships. 

This episode is dedicated our to our private community of Patron Neuronerds.

Here is a smattering of some of our most special elves whom have been with us since the very beginning!!   They give from $1 to $25 per month and jumped in at the first chance to support us AND have stuck with us!!!

THANK YOU TO

Kathleen Geiger, Isaac Marsolek, Jacalyn Brecher, James Baker,Carys Adultman, Claire Holberton, Camille Scent, Kirill Eremenko, Sonya Richardson-Thomas, Ashley Cruz, Michael Hilgers, Becki Mendivil, Linno Rhodes, Lorie Ammon, Deb, Donna Woods, Pat Spencer, Jeffrey Benzick MD, Judy Kamara, Leanna, Bobbi Blain, Megan Smith, Tyra Butler, Amy Groessl, Theresa Tenney, Kathryn Antenbring, Sarah Lazarewicz, Julie Carbaugh, Sally Mounir, Anonymous … and so many many more who joined forces since that first moment.  You guys are our backbone.

You can find more of our current Patrons here (we have almost 200)!  We thank Platinum and Gold Neuronerds on our website.  

We don't usually include our actual transcript but what the heck, we are gonna try it this time and see if it's useful to anybody.   Unedited transcript of the show

Episode notes – HYO Challenging Personalities:

What if it's you that is the difficult one?  How to change –

Insecurity begets defensiveness – so anything we can do to lower our defenses, realize we most likely aren't ACTUALLY under attack, and work towards safety inside ourselves and cultivating safety in our close others.

Much of the episode is devoted to this topic, these show notes will focus on resources in general.  We mention being raised by difficult parents but that's a big topic for another time so we put in some resources for ya down below.

For EVERYBODY – we can all improve our listening skills:

  1. Listen and repeat it back so they other person says “yea, that's right”  The trick here is not to assert your own agenda.  It's not your turn, just listen.
  2. Ask questions to help them get their story out in full, or to get their pain out there so you can bear witness DON'T CORRECT or explain yourself yet.
  3. Validate where you can do so authentically – try to find even 1% of what they are saying where you can join the person talking.  It does NOT mean you agree with them.  This is ninja warrior stuff, it's not easy and rookies get this WRONG.
  4. Comfort, soothe them.  Not just once.  Not angrily, TAKE THEM IN, bear witness and let them feel you with them.  Do this UNTIL you feel them release and soften.  Again, rookies stop short and then don't get it when the listening doesn't help.

CAVA — Clarify, ask question, validate where you feel it true and if appropriate, apologize

LUV –  Listen, Understand and Validate where you can authentically

For EVERYONE – we bet we can all also improve our self-regulation skills

RAIN Tara Brach

Review, Reflect, Rewire

Self compassion and Kristen Neff – see previous episode here.

Ann and Sue give several personal examples of what this looks like and support you in knowing your own truth, claiming it and living your best life possible.

Research/links on challenging traits 

Article first published online: April 28, 2019; Issue published: April 1, 2019 11
1Edinburgh Napier University, UK
This article is distributed under the terms of the Creative Commons Attribution 4.0 License (http://www.creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/) which permits any use, reproduction and distribution of the work without further permission provided the original work is attributed as specified on the SAGE and Open Access pages (https://us.sagepub.com/en-us/nam/open-access-at-sage).
Empathy and self-boundaries Judith Jordan PhD  PDF

Hatfield, E., Bensman, L., Thornton, P. D., & Rapson, R. (2014). New perspectives on emotional contagion: A review of classic and recent research on facial mimicry and contagion. Interpersonal: An International Journal of Personal Relations, 8, 159-179.

 

Resources – We packed these shownotes today with resources just for you!!

Covert narcissism scale  Don't believe online tests in general, but for fun you can see how you score on covert narcisissm.

Psychcentral has personality quizzes – some are validated scales adapted for the internet some are more for fun, but none provide actual diagnosis for sure.  However, you may be interested in exploring these, if so enjoy!

Get Me Out of Here by Rachel Reiland  This is an excellent book although it's older, a first-hand account of the healing trajectory written by woman who identifies as borderline.  Fascinating and hopeful… recommended read esp for those doing deep work in therapy

The Borderline Personality Disorder Workbook – self-help workbook by Daniel J Fox PhD

Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder: How to Keep Out-of-Control Emotions from Destroying Your Relationship Shari Y Manning PhD

How to make the narcissist in your life a little nicer” The Atlantic

“How to manage a narcissist” Harvard Business Review – Focuses on workplace highly applicable to all

The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family

Being Raised by Difficult Parents:

Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents Linday Gibson PhD

Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers  Karle McBride PhD

Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents

“How being raised by a narcissist damages your life and self-esteem ” Forbes Magazine,  Kathy Caprino

Resources from malignant narcisissism episode:

Friends – we know most of you aren't in this situation but if you are we want to be a resource.  We can't say if you should or shouldn't leave – that's a highly personal and seriously safety-dependent question.  However we can say that we believe you, you aren't alone, and there is support once you get ready for that.

United States:  Click the image to the left for help!

Not in the US, no problem:  International lines for domestic violence help click here 

Many areas have local resources so look for those as well.

 

 

Attachment Disturbances in Adults Comprehensive Treatment & Repair(2016) Dan Brown and David Elliott (This is Sue's favorite textbook on attachment currently)

 

OK friends if you have found the bottom of these show notes then you are our people.  Find us on Facebook @austinshrinks and from there, join our free private discussion community.

If that is not enough, consider purchasing our signature (4 hour!!) course and use “ourclan” to get a discount on enrollment.  It's Not Me It's My Amygdala Advanced Course Connecting the Science of the Mind to the Amygdala 

Finally, we invite you to join our patron Neuronerd community for some occasional bling and behind the scenes stuff, as well as helping to keep us Ad-Free!!!

We are at almost 200 active and engaged patrons – help us get over the hump to 200, will ya?

Without this super smart and active community we could not produce the way we do, could not get the science out to the world who would otherwise not even know it's out there and most importantly to some — we would have to be running ads. (shriek!)  I am so bugged by the aggressive advertising on You Tube and many podcasts… we understand you gotta do it to sustain production but if we can sustain another way, then we are all for it!   We have a few straggler platforms where you may run into an ad, but once we get our patron community more robust we will be able to eliminate them all.

 

Recent Episodes

Mind, Body, Heart, Spirit: Embodying Liberation Psychology with Dr. Shena Young (230)

Mind, Body, Heart, Spirit: Embodying Liberation Psychology with Dr. Shena Young (230)

Join co-host Sue Marriott and Dr. Shena Young as they dive into liberation psychology and the conflict between intuition and the traditional European model of psychology. Dr. Shena highlights embodying a holistic approach to help heal traumas and deeply root us in our most authentic selves. Whether through connections with nature and/or the exploration of ancestral traditions, this discussion is enriched with various opportunities to reconnect and liberate our mind, body, heart, and spirit.

read more
Setting Boundaries that Stick with Juliane Taylor Shore (229)

Setting Boundaries that Stick with Juliane Taylor Shore (229)

We’re back with long-time friend of the podcast and expert, Juliane Taylor Shore LMFT, LPC, SEP. As we reflect on our episode from six years ago on boundaries, we dive into new knowledge and how we can create boundaries that stick. Juliane Taylor Shore blends
her original methods like “the jello wall” with new research to share exciting and thoughtful insight on how through boundaries we can harness compassion in our relationships with others and ourselves.

read more
Decolonizing Mental Health Delivery with Melody Li (Part 2, Episode 228)

Decolonizing Mental Health Delivery with Melody Li (Part 2, Episode 228)

This is part two of a two-part series with the founder of Inclusive Therapists, Melody and TU Co-host, Sue Marriott. This episode features challenging yet important conversations on active anti-racist practices, exploration of oppression, and dismantling whiteness in mental health structures. Melody emphasizes the need for white clinicians to examine their own complicity in upholding oppressive systems and to listen to and center the experiences of marginalized communities. They also highlight the interconnectedness of healing and the power of collective liberation through rehumanizing.

read more
Decolonizing Mental Health Delivery with Melody Li (Part 1, Episode 227)

Decolonizing Mental Health Delivery with Melody Li (Part 1, Episode 227)

series with the founder of Inclusive Therapists, Melody and TU Co-host, Sue Marriott. We are pushing for more inclusive, anti-racist, and decolonialized practices.The conversation is  challenging but important as we explore liberation psychology that helps us recognize and unlearn patterns of thinking that are rooted in colonization and European Western education. You may not agree with everything this guest says but you will learn something and likely feel quite a lot. Discomfort is a necessary part of liberating ourselves from engrained traditional patriarchal and white supremist thinking that continues to harm so many. Don’t forget to help us reach our goal – if you appreciate TU, then please pre-order your copy of Secure Relating today & help raise the bar of secure relating in the world. www.SecureRelatingBook.com

read more
A Neuroscience-Proven Expressive Writing Protocol with Dr. James Pennebaker (225)

A Neuroscience-Proven Expressive Writing Protocol with Dr. James Pennebaker (225)

Co-hosts Ann and Sue discuss this powerful tool directly with the original researcher, Dr. James Pennebaker. While expressive writing is not a simple “elixir” to cure mental or physical illness, Dr. Pennebaker has dedicated years of research and found it to be an effective method of healing for many people. Going straight for the hardest memory is hard, but replicates many techniques used by therapists yet without the cost and accessibility barriers. www.therapistuncensored.com/tu225. www.securerelatingbook.com

read more
How Good Boundaries Actually Bring Us Closer, with Juliane Taylor Shore – REPLAY (224)

How Good Boundaries Actually Bring Us Closer, with Juliane Taylor Shore – REPLAY (224)

Interpersonal co-regulation requires boundary-setting. Therapist Uncensored co-hosts Ann Kelley and Sue Marriott join the founder of IPNB Psychotherapy of Austin, Dr. Juliane Taylor Shore, in a discussion on interpersonal neurobiology and regulation. We’ll explore the three types of boundaries, how to co-create them plus how to stay regulated using internalized relationships with the self.

read more
Believing Chronic Fatigue – Living with Long Covid, ME/CFS (Myalgic Encepholomyelitis) and Hard to Diagnose Chronic Illnesses (223)

Believing Chronic Fatigue – Living with Long Covid, ME/CFS (Myalgic Encepholomyelitis) and Hard to Diagnose Chronic Illnesses (223)

25.6% of adults who have had COVID-19 report having experienced long Covid (source). While there are a variety of symptoms and severities that come with the illness, it doesn’t
erase the physical and mental toll it can take on one’s life. In this episode, Ann and Sue take their research as well as personal experience with the illness and discuss the stigmas, advocating for your health, being a supportive caregiver, and secure relating in regards to chronic disease.

read more
Trailblazers in Love: Understanding & Advocating for the LGBTQ+ Community with Jeff Lutes (222)

Trailblazers in Love: Understanding & Advocating for the LGBTQ+ Community with Jeff Lutes (222)

We are kicking off the new year with a special conversation between co-host Sue Marriott and special guest Jeff Lutes. Both members of the LGBTQ+ community, this discussion dives into raising families, the evolution of the community, allyship, gender, and the importance of advocacy. While there has been some progress, the LGBTQ+ community still actively faces discrimination. Whether you’re a practicing therapist with clients in the community or have LGBTQ-identifying loved ones, this episode is for you. Through a personal and professional lens, this conversation offers new perspectives and shines a light on the significance of staying educated and being an active voice.

read more
TU 2023 Year in Review: Building Internalized Secure Voices (221)

TU 2023 Year in Review: Building Internalized Secure Voices (221)

We explored many ideas this year and despite the variety of topics we found a consistent theme – nurturing secure relating in an insecure world. From interviews with our oldest son on the climate crisis to the power of awe in everyday life, we were met with rich conversations and endless opportunities to grow. As we close out 2023 with gratitude, Ann and Sue look back at important episodes from this year, review lessons learned, and exciting announcements to come in 2024.

read more
Healing Body-Focused Repetitive Behavioral Disorders with Stacy Nakell – Replay – (220)

Healing Body-Focused Repetitive Behavioral Disorders with Stacy Nakell – Replay – (220)

Hair-pulling, skin picking, and cheek, lip, & cuticle biting are self-soothing strategies that depending on the degree can become body-focused repetitive behavioral disorders. Learn about a new attachment-informed psychodynamic model for treating these painful, shame-associated behaviors in our conversation today with Sue Marriott and Stacy Nakell.

read more
Ditching Invulnerability: Embracing Our Most Authentic Selves (219)

Ditching Invulnerability: Embracing Our Most Authentic Selves (219)

While just the word vulnerability can trigger our defenses, it can also be a great gateway to secure relating and deepening the connection with our authentic selves. In a society heavily influenced by social media, unhealthy gender roles, and many other factors – Ann and Sue dive into the importance of changing the narrative and stepping out of our defensive invulnerable state and into our healthy, vulnerable selves. 

read more

What else do you want to learn today?

Get Your Modern Attachment-Regulation Spectrum (MARS)Bundle

3 videos, 3 handouts, and 7 podcast episodes to get you started on your path toward secure relating.

Success! Please check your inbox to confirm your subscription and access your starter pack.

Pin It on Pinterest

Share This